Table for two please

It’s not like I am a fan of eating the dead. It’s just a job. Not the best paying in comparison to being a dock worker or a surgeon. But the hours are better. I can work as much as I want or as little. There really isn’t a shortage of lost souls turning evil or anything. I mean, have you seen society these days? Hauntings and possessions have skyrocketed in the last 15 years alone. That’s like 8,000 cases a day. It used to be around 1,000 to 1,200 not three years ago. Those guys back in the 60’s and 70’s had it made. Paul VI was the man. The Vatican paid for everything. Granted there wasn’t that many of us. But now, it’s all subcontracted work. Illuminati corpo-top hat types. Not that I’m complaining. Not me. Just last week I sous vide a phantasm that makes Asmodeus look like a Girl Scout with a box of thin mints. Between you and me, Father Lankester Merrin would have pooped his pants. Seriously, things today have gone to shit pancakes.

Alright, let’s cut to the chase. I want to dispel any assumptions and misunderstandings you might have conjured up. I don’t literally eat dead people. Take a breath. That’s just gross. I actually consume their corrupted souls. Well, that doesn’t sound much better either. Ok, let me put it this way. It’s like a cross between an exorcist and psychopomp. But instead of a bible or a crystal convergence amulet. This job’s tools are cursed coins. Which I have to say are the worst! A 135 year old piece of metal is not the most sanitary thing to put in your mouth. Let alone swallowing it. There is no amount of scrubbing and disinfecting that can take that level of nasty from scarring you psychologically. Do you know how many people in modern times don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom? It’s far too shocking to even go into detail. Trust me, it’s a horror show. Just think how bad it was before the 1800’s. Gives me indigestion just thinking about it. Toilet paper was a blessing. At least the coins are portable.

Anyway, when I used the word ‘eat’, that part is actually literal. Evil corrupt souls pass through the teeth, glide over the tongue, and bonk the uvula before water sliding down the throat into the stomach. Weird right? That, is where the magic happens; so to speak. You know food? How it gives the human body nutrients so it can continue to live? Well, corrupt souls are like the end all be all of superfoods. They get sucked into that cursed coin and right away, the soul ascends into the next stage of its existence. Be it in heaven, hell, Valhalla, the underworld, blah blah blah. Pick your poison, belief, or religion. They all exist. Except that one where you can hitch a ride on a passing comet. That one is loony toons bogus. So, what the cleansed soul leaves behind in the coin, is what keeps the body moving. It’s not like in the movies. There is no corn syrup ectoplasm or black slime. No leaking blood of virgins or demonic sulfur fumes. You could say that the coin acts like an inter-dimensional portal into a realm filled with life force energy. This is speculation by the way. None of us really know how it works. I can’t give you a science lesson or anything. What I can say is, it acts like a fizzy Alka-Seltzer tablet. Filling the stomach with everything the body needs to function properly. And right there, is the catch. It’s not like one can store these things for later use. It’s a one shot process. No cash and carry scheme for us. Ever try regurgitating a fizzy silver dollar? Not fun! If it hits the open air, you might as well invest in a good hearing aid. Let alone Roman and Ceylon coins. Those things are murder. That was another literal statement if you were wondering. Dimes are gonna be your bread and butter. Or 1/4 franks, if you can find one, those are the way to go. And size doesn’t matter on sustainability. Small coin, no bruising, easy reuse. Though you go through them a lot faster. And before you ask, no. Any coin made of gold is a big nah-uh. Cursed gold coins would turn us into a bloody mess on the floor. Leave those for the spiritualists to deal with…

Sorry, I tend to ramble on. Let me give you an example. If I were able to actually trap a corrupt soul into one of my cursed coins without swallowing it, that would just make the soul more powerful. It would void my contract and I would die. And, it would probably end up literally eating me afterwards. Hello hornet clowns. You see, if you force a corrupt soul against their will into an already cursed object. You create what we in the biz call, a leviathan. These mothers can take solid physical forms and tend to enjoy eating people. Ever read any H.P. Lovecraft? Those things are leviathan. Which is bad. End of the world type stuff. Not to mention, it gives our line of work a bad rap.

To answer the other question you might have thought of. Eating normal food like everyone else is a no go. You see, we are not entirely alive. Though we can drink liquids and pee. We don’t have to. It just comes out like it went in. Less carbonated and more smelly. I personally stay away from any form of alcohol. You can imagine what that would feel like. But there are a few of us freaks out there that like it. Yes, if we were to eat actual food it would theoretically come out the same as it went in. But we would die in the process. It’s one of the many rules we have to follow.

The best way I can explain it without embarrassing myself, I died in a very unique way. Not to say it hasn’t ever happened before. Well, you know. It’s just, well, people that have our job don’t much like to talk about how we got it. It’s like there are two choices. We can either take this job, or become a torcher slave for that horde of hornet clowns. Yeah, the universe has a very sick and twisted sense of humor.

Remember when I said the hours are good? They are. Yet, depending on how nutrient the last meal was, dictates how long we can last before needing to eat again. The longest I have lasted without eating was 5 days. But that is rare. You gotta understand that even though corrupt souls are seemingly everywhere, there is a pretty wide spectrum. On the low end you have your white lie obsessions and porn fixations. That’s like a few gram crackers. Mid range gets you klepto-centric sins, practical joke compulsions, heavy blasphemy acts, and cereal betrayals. Which is more like a sandwich. The high tear echelons are the cream of the crop jobs. Murder, mayhem, torment, brutality, chaos, and nightmares. Stuff so bad they are only given one word each. Those are like a giant bag of corn dogs or a whole turkey with four days worth of leftovers. Then there are the holy grail jobs. The once in a blue moon offers that come around every 50 or so years. We call those Grim jobs. Those are like temporary retirement plans for us. You see, our average lifespans, after death, in this line of work, only lasts about 20 or so years. Not everyone is cut out for it. You see, stomach acid takes it toll on old coins. And depending on how many cursed ones you can find, dictates how long you can stay here on earth. There is a guy out there that has been around since 182 BC. He is like our Elvis. Apparently, as the story goes, he found King Solomon’s treasure while searching for his first cursed coin. Talk about hitting the mother load huh? Can’t imagine what those coins tastes like.

You are now probably asking how one goes about finding a cursed coin? Don’t worry. Yes, this is new for both of us. You’ve never eaten a soul and I’ve never been a mentor. So what. I got your back. Trust me. I’ll tell you what. Let me take you on this next job I have lined up. Think of it as a crash course in observation. Hey, relax. Those hornet clown things aren’t coming for you. Ok? We’ll get you a coin and you’ll be just fine. After we finish this job, I’ll show you the ropes. Where to look for coins, how to access our network, and where all our safe houses are. This will be fun. Better this then, you know. Buzz buzz, honk honk.

Hey, just between you and me, did the demon just slap you around a little or did things get saucy?