The Goat conspiracy

“Please have a seat Mr. Troll.”

(grunt)

“Are you comfortable? Would you like a glass of water or perhaps some warm tea?”

“No. Thank you.”

“Very well Mr. Troll. My name is Doctor Stiltskin. Or if you prefer, you can call me William. The district court of Wabashaw county has set up this evaluation. Appointing me to ascertain your mental state and ability to participate in a closed session trial case. From the information that has been provided to me I can speculate that this will be an assurance that you are able to contribute any relevant knowledge to the court and prosecution. Are you in agreement with this statement I have presented to you?.”

“Yes.”

“Marvelous. I would just like to say that it is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Troll.”

“Bob.”

“I’m sorry. Bob?”

“My name. Robert Franklin Fish Paulson. You can call me Bob. I am getting tired of people calling me Mr. Troll. It’s patronizing. I know i’m a troll. You know i’m a troll. I don’t need to be called one as if it is my name. It’s not like people call you Doctor Wood Elf. So, Bob will be just fine,”

“Oh goodness. My sincere apologies Bob. I honestly had no idea. The court documents only refer to you in this manner. They most certainly should have at least written down your name. Were you not given a preamble presence form to fill out? Not to mention that the processing papers for the trial have been removed from your case folder.”

“You really don’t know what’s going on, do you Doc?”

“Well, someone in my position has to be a third party observer in cases such as this. The court needs an unbiased opinion.”

“Figures. From my experience in the realms, save for a few counties in the Elvin province, Trolls are blamed for the wrongs and tragedies that befall most of the common folk. Most of which are second hand stories made up from ignorant fables. Which there sole purpose is to frighten and terrify. Trolls are the butt of slanderous jokes and tall tales. All because of our appearance and natural demeanor.”

“I believe you Bob. I myself have only heard of such tales and seen such sketches of your species. As most here have. Which by the way, do not come close to resembling your species. I hope you can understand my surprise and interest in meeting you. To me you do not look nor seem threatening in any way. You are very articulate and respectful. Can I assume that your brethren share your traits?”

“Doc, I am considered the runt of the litter compared to all the others in the kingdom. I was just the one unfortunate enough to get caught.”

“I see. It says here that you were charged with verbal assault and inciting an act of violence against all three of the Gruff brothers. Yet all other information has been removed from this case file.”

“Then that is what it says and doesn’t say.”

“Is this true?”

“Let me paint a picture for you. Three pretentious, self important, ego driven bullies trespass on to my property. They destroy my vegetable garden, disable the hub rotary system, and punch holes in my roof. All for the simple purpose of taking a shortcut to cross the river. The foot bridge was not fifty yards away from my home. Which by the way is a district licenced waterway filtration facility. I am responsible for collecting any and all debris present in the river before it feeds into the neighboring village of Riverwyn. So yeah. you could say that I was a bit put out by their childish rampage.”

“It briefly says here that your home resides under a bridge. It says nothing about you being the caretaker of a filtration facility.”

“My house was built by my own hands. The bridge exsisted long before I became a resident. The Riverwyn committee board granted me building permits on strict guidelines that I work to keep the river way clear of trash and refuse.”

“So how does your house act as a filtration facility?”

“The water flow runs underneath it. The house is buttressed into the rock wall hugging the one side of the river. Beneath the house is a meshed paddle mill that traps floating debris and deposits anything into a side channel for extraction. It only reaches a foot in depth and adjusts to the run off flow when the seasons change. The blasted goat brothers destroyed it. They knocked over the water pressure barrels when they jumped up onto my roof. The flow pipes got disconnected and caused the mill to drop to the riverbed. Shattering and killing a school of minnows in the process.”

“By the great elm tree. How on earth did this trial ever get to this point? Surely you had your documentation. And the evidence of your home… That testimony alone would not convince the court to sanction this evaluation. Is there something else that happened, that you aren’t telling me?”

“Well after the oldest one knocked me out from behind. They threw me in the river and left. The next thing I knew I was bound and gagged in a dungeon cell. It wasn’t until the guards outside your office, released me into this room; that I have been allowed to speak.”

“Gagged?”

“Yeah. You know, smelly sock in the mouth, bound with oily rope, tied to a post. Had been like that for three days until now.”

“How, but, this is preposterous. Wabashaw County does not gag or restrain anyone in the court. That’s quite distasteful. Our king would never allow it.”

“Doc, in case you haven’t realized it yet. I am not from Wabashaw county. I was transferred from the lower kingdom court system. They aren’t exactly as civilized as you guys are up here.”

“I can’t disagree with you on that point. But still, our court here accommodates all species with respect and dignity. Dragons, harpies, human, fae, fauna… Even haunts. Why, in this reaching realm, would you be bound and gagged in open court?”

“That’s an easy question to answer.”

(pause)

“Well?”

“Judge Harry Gruff the third presided over my trial in the lower kingdom district.”

“Judge Gruff? I have not heard of him.”

“He is the Gruff brother’s uncle. He had me transferred to the upper kingdom to prevent the race riots, going on outside the courthouse, from getting out of hand. They were going to burn the entire town to ash. If I hadn’t been transferred, I would probably be a troll steak in some aristocrat’s belly by now. I was never given a chance to attend a court session here. They kept me bound and gagged in a holding cell. I assume because of a scathing letter from that corrupt judge from the Gruff family.”

“Oh dear.”

“You know Doc, if the offer is still on the table. I would very much like a cup of warm tea.”

“Of course, of course. Do you know if the court has appointed you an attorney yet. It doesn’t say in your file.”

“Trolls never had the opportunity to need one. I’m the first that has ever been caught.”

“Alright then. It is settled. I happen to know the best lawyer in the upper kingdom and to boot. He is looking for a pro bono case. You interested?”

“Hmm, I like the cut of your jib Doc.”

“Huh? Jib? What’s a jib?”

(grunt)