Gas Pump
SANITY ON BACKORDER
From Hive Peak Boulevard
By Danu Marche
Humor Columnist
Published: April 11, 2025
Synapse & Spectacle
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This week, my gas pump tried to guilt-trip me into financial loyalty.
I just wanted to buy gas, not defend my honor in a public tribunal. But the pump had other plans. Before it would dispense a single drop, it leaned in with that passive-aggressive chirp: “Are you a rewards member?” I swear, the tone was two steps away from “Do you even recycle?”
And here’s the trap: say “no,” and suddenly you’re the villain in a corporate morality play. Say “yes,” and you’ve just sold a small piece of your privacy to Big Loyalty for three cents off a gallon you’ll never remember to claim.
The worst part? The button labels are Yes and No Thanks. Not No, just No Thanks — a linguistic chokehold that forces you to pretend you’re politely declining instead of silently screaming, “I have commitment issues, Brenda.”
By the second prompt — because yes, it asked again — I started feeling like I was in a loyalty-program speed dating round. “Are you sure you’re not a rewards member? We could be great together. You like gas. I have gas.” Which, incidentally, is a terrible pickup line at parties.
The escalation is ridiculous. Some pumps now list your total savings missed in bold font as you drive away. “You could have saved $0.14!” it blares, as if announcing, “Here lies Danu Marche, tragically loyal to nothing.” Fourteen cents won’t change my life, but it’s apparently enough to earn corporate judgment.
And, naturally, the universe provided backup witnesses. Today’s squirrel sighting: clinging to the air hose reel like a dockworker, holding a single sunflower seed and watching me fumble through the prompts. It cracked the seed in slow motion — the way a courtroom stenographer might hit the space bar — and I know it was documenting my refusal for future blackmail.
Somewhere around rejection attempt number three, I started fantasizing about other ridiculous loyalty programs. Imagine if your refrigerator asked, “Are you a leftovers member?” every time you opened it. Or your shower: “Join Hot Water Rewards — 10% off your next rinse if you sign up today!”
By the time I finally got gas pumping, I was rehearsing responses for next time. “No, I’m not a rewards member, but I am a member of the International Order of People Who Just Want to Pump Gas Without Explaining Themselves.” The membership card is imaginary, but the smug satisfaction is real.
Still, I know what’s coming. Next time, I’ll be halfway through a fill-up when the pump will pause and flash One Last Chance to Join! And I’ll say no — again — and somewhere, a squirrel will file another damning report.
Until then, I’ll keep my dignity, my privacy, and my full-priced gas. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll start a competing loyalty program. Step one: Are you a sanity member?
“If your gas pump has started offering ‘exclusive’ deals, please send a screenshot so we can compare interrogation techniques.”
©2025 Danu Marche
