The first was an unknown to possibilities. Swept with fear, curious wonderment, confusion, and bafflement. A moment that switched a perspective that flooded my brain with torment and a realization that not knowing was what caused so much fear in the beginning. I was young and naïve. Unexperienced with anything resembling “beyond close friendship” even meant. Particularly what it meant to me concerning my best friend. It was a first for both of us. It was all new! But what came out of it was more than dreams could have weaved. A life long bond solidified. Even though what it started out as was, curiosity untethered.

Still experience-abridged, the second held a long cradled secret close to my heart. Almost a decade accumulated with crush inducing awareness. Though never having a follow through. Knowing that the class I occupied was far below the status my heart pumped for. That which I had temptations toward. Thinking I was not even a registered existence, until that crush approached me. Me of all people! Out of the blue when I was unaware. A shock to my senses and my self belief. It didn’t last long though. Due to my own dumbfounded idiocy and naivety to what it actually was. Nonetheless, the new before, was still new. And my eyes remained open to what it could have been after the fact. Even now I smack my forehead on how clueless I was. She could have been, “the one”.

Only a few years passed and a whirlwind of “don’t give a $#!+” stripped my inhibitions during a third endeavor. It was a no holds barred, idea generator of experimentation and exploration. Fast, wild, crazy, rollercoaster, fly by the seat of your pants, anything goes adventure. The sort of burning a candle at both ends while playing with kerosene, sort of experience. Ultimately ending with a crash and burn explosion that leaves you with your heart torn to shreds. Wondering what just happened and why did it have to end. Knowing now why it had to, and thanking myself that it did. Fire tornadoes during a hurricane is never a good thing.

The next encounter was more of a mellow journey of like minds in a cerebral-religious-challenge-exploration of not knowing things and wanting to know why they existed. The physical was never why we got together and hung out for days at a time. Yes, there were those moments, but it was because we got bored in between what we were really interested in. Alas, we both knew that our paths were eventually going to take us away from one another. To separate countries and different lives to expand into. The solidity our bonds formed while we were with one another became stronger and a life long kinship was forged when we finally parted. Even though we eventually lost touch with one another from constantly moving from place to place. I can still feel her presence.

Higher learning had never been so intense when coupled with a like-minded crazy soul. It was much like a one night stand that lasted a week. We both knew what it was and we had fun taking the trip down a road we both desired. It wasn’t even sad when it ended. Since we both traded our insanities with open hearts.

Even the best of intentions can be met with a disappointment of assumed realities. Two years worth of shared pleasures, hopes, and curiosities; dashed into the mud for no given reason or explanation. A total destruction of one’s heart. Ripped to shreds and left to rot. I never knew why, and still have only speculations.

Almost a decade after the last, came a bright comet. Seeded from a chance encounter and blossomed into a few years of joy. The term ‘passing ships in the night’ rang true to this shared love of life. It obviously lasted more than a night and the years we shared; renewed my hope in “the human condition”. Well, the part that encompasses kindness and compassion. A close dear friend to this very day. Always reminding me that things can always get brighter when they are at it’s darkest. The fact that her name personifies her personality still baffles me to warm feelings in my soul.

I could go on a few more times, but the pain is far too intense. So I will leave it here. Kinda like a ball of silly putty, covered in glitter, and dropped in the dirt. Depressing yes, but necessary.

At least the melts I have had in my life up to this point, have made me a “better me” than I once was. Obviously more fluid in my awareness of whom I allow to melt me.

Sometimes I ponder if being a toaster would be better. Have I said that before?

…probably.